and now, football.
Switzerland has revelled in its' preferred state of neutrality, since 1515 (or quarter past three, in old money). As such, it is generally regarded as, well...boring. Before anyone gets shirty (more on shirts later) any country that becomes (in)famous for an action man size army knife and a bar of pointy chocolate, is unlikely to feature high on the list of very funny, but controversial humour. (Ok, ok, there is Roger Federer, but he plays tennis and cries like a big girls blouse and anyway, this is loosely based on footie, so sod off).That though, was yesterday. Today...step forward, Joseph Sepp Blatter.
For those not in the know, Joe is El Presidente of FIFA (The International Federation of Avarice). In June, he'll have been top dog some 11 years (about 2.5 times the term for aggravated assault) and despite being roundly regarded by anyone outside the arselicking footballing hierarchy as about as much use as a slip-on football boot, is seeking re-election until at least an exhumation order is granted on his cold dead corpse. Incidentally, his longevity in the post, is in no way related to the fact that his first foray into football authority, was as President of the Zurich Brown Shirts, whose annual Kristallnacht anniversary celebrations, were considered quite a thing by the Zurich elite.
Old Joe is no stranger to controversy. In 2004, he sought (and probably succeeded) to alienate himself from the female football loving fraternity, by suggesting they 'wear tighter shorts and low-cut shirts, to create a more female aesthetic', sadly a proposal that was only adopted by David Beckham.
Further, after awarding the 2022 tournament to Qatar (previously only known to followers of the beautiful game, as inflammation of mucous membranes, especially of the nose and throat) Mr B suggested that gay fans (additional explanations of that term for followers of Millwall FC, will appear in future postings) should refrain from any sexual activities, what with such tom(dick and harry)foolery being frowned upon in Arabic circles. Seriously, did he watch any of the last World Cup? There were more than a few occasions where buggery was becoming a serious probable diversion...or is that perversion?
Anyhoo, it appears that his worst crime (pending the current investigation) was to be implicit in not awarding Englandshire the World Cup in 2018. Not the tournament you understand, but the actual trophy. Instead, it was awarded to those pesky Russians and as my Great Uncle Alfie used to say, ' you can't trust those fuckin arseholes'. It later emerged that he was referring to the English, but you get my drift.
So bringing us right up to speed, The Great Blattsby is now under an ethics investigation for prior knowledge of presumably illegal cash payments being made to some committee members. Brown envelopes passing about amongst fat cats?!? Whoever heard of such a thing?!?
In a yet to be officially announced sensational development, a rumour is in circulation, that the story/accusation was conjured up by BBC bosses, as an excuse (as if they fucking needed one) to show highlights of the 1966 World Cup Final, as a precursor to an article on the whole sorry mess.
In any event, if found guilty, not only will Blattwurst be in permanent disgrace, but he will also be sentenced to 10 years in Belgium. That'll teach the 'fat, repugnant, duplicitous, self-obsessed perjurer', which by remarkable coincidence, happens to be an anagram of Sepp Blatter.
Funny old game...
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